Adulthood is not only defined by reaching the age of 18 or meeting legal standards. It also requires maturity and independence at the psychological and spiritual level. To be spiritually mature means being able to face inner anxiety, take responsibility for one’s own choices, establish healthy boundaries, recognize the imperfection of the world, and learn to coexist with it.

However, in Chinese culture, “adulthood” is often limited to changes in legal identity, marriage, or professional status, while the psychological aspect remains underdeveloped. The family-centered social structure shaped by Confucian values emphasizes hierarchy and obedience. The responsibility of the individual is to comply rather than question. This structure is not designed to cultivate independent thought; instead, it functions more like training for social obedience. As a result, many people remain at the stage of “a child who needs approval,” unable to build self-worth internally, and relying on external evaluation, especially from authority, to validate their existence.

A key sign of spiritual maturity is psychological weaning: separating oneself from parental expectations and living according to one’s own values. Yet in China, even if people physically leave home, they often remain psychologically bound to parental influence. Parental love is frequently conditional: “We like you if you behave,” “You are worthy only if you get into a good university.” This fosters performance anxiety and a lifelong pattern of people-pleasing. When such individuals enter society, they continue searching for new “parents,” whether in leaders, organizations, or mainstream public opinion, always needing someone with authority to make decisions for them.

The social system also discourages individualization. The education system prioritizes standard answers. Life paths favor conventional routes: civil service, stable jobs, home ownership, marriage. Anyone who tries to live differently is easily labeled as “immature” or “selfish.” This environment obstructs the process of becoming a unique individual, reducing people to “functional tools” or “role-playing machines,” rather than independent psychological beings.

The consequences of spiritual immaturity are clear: emotional dependence and blurred personal boundaries. Many people rely excessively on intimate relationships or social circles, unable to set boundaries or accept failure and responsibility. When setbacks occur, they instinctively blame society, parents, or fate rather than reflect and rebuild themselves. They live with chronic anxiety about others’ opinions, unable to feel inner stability. They long for freedom, yet fear the responsibility that freedom requires, resulting in ongoing internal conflict.

How do we move toward spiritual adulthood? First, stop living to please others and begin making decisions for yourself. You do not exist for your parents, society, or an invisible audience. Second, learn to psychologically “wean” yourself from authority. This does not mean resisting authority, but relating to it as an equal rather than depending on it for self-worth. Third, establish personal boundaries: know what is your responsibility and what is not. Learn to refuse emotional manipulation and coercion. Finally, practice taking responsibility rather than escaping it. Even if a choice turns out to be wrong, treat it as learning, not as failure.

One cultural root of spiritual immaturity lies in the imbalance between language development and emotional development. In Chinese linguistic culture, language is highly utilitarian and outward-facing. It is often used to maintain order, follow norms, and gain approval, rather than to express inner feelings or explore the self. Emotional expression is frequently directed toward “endurance” or “denial,” preventing individuals from understanding their feelings through language. In such an environment, expressing the self is viewed as “unnecessary” or even “troublesome,” causing emotional development to stagnate and leaving adults unable to communicate with themselves internally.

Additionally, China’s relationship-based social structure blurs personal boundaries. Identity, value, and decision-making are deeply embedded in social relationships. From “I do this for your own good” in family education to “just follow instructions” in the workplace, the implicit message is: you are not an independent individual, but part of a system. This leads to chronic guilt and frustration, without clarity about what is wrong. One essential marker of spiritual maturity is developing a clear sense of boundaries: knowing who you are, what you accept, and what you will not accept.

Spiritual immaturity does not mean we are unintelligent or inherently childish. Rather, the cultural system has never given us the conditions to truly grow up. It suppresses individuality, emotions, and critical thinking, and confuses personal boundaries. It does not encourage people to become themselves, but to become “obedient, compliant, useful.” Many people are not unwilling to grow up; they simply do not know how, or cannot, or dare not. Because spiritual independence means stepping outside the relational logic, becoming someone “inconvenient,” “difficult to manage,” someone who destabilizes the system.

Yet society precisely needs more of such people. Only they can walk out of the cultural nursery and learn how to truly grow in spirit. And that is the hardest, yet most valuable, journey of all.

原文

从“婴儿房”出走：精神“断奶”的艰难之路

成年不仅指生理年龄达到18岁或法定标准，更意味着心理与精神上的成熟与独立。精神成年，意味着一个人能够处理内心的焦虑，为自己的选择负责，建立清晰的边界，并认知世界的不完美，学会与之共存。

然而，在中国文化中，“成年”往往仅停留在法律、婚姻或职业等社会角色的转变上，精神层面却长期处于未成熟状态。儒家文化构建的家族型社会，强调长幼有序、等级分明，个体的责任在于服从而非质疑。这种结构并非培养独立精神，而更像是一种社会服从训练。结果便是许多人的精神年龄停滞在“需要被肯定的孩子”阶段，无法构建自我价值，只能依赖外界尤其是权威的评价来确认自身存在。

精神成熟的重要标志是“心理断乳”，即从父母的期望中独立出来，活出自我价值。但在中国，许多人即便身体离家，心态上却始终活在父母的目光与话语控制中。家长的爱常带有条件——“你乖就喜欢你”“考上好大学才值得骄傲”，导致孩子长期陷入表现焦虑与讨好心态。这样的人进入社会后，仍会不断寻找“新父母”，如领导、体制或主流舆论，永远需要一个权威来替自己决定方向。

社会系统亦不鼓励个体化。教育体系追求标准答案，生活选择崇尚主流路线——考公、进体制、买房、结婚。一旦有人试图活出不同，便容易被贴上“不成熟”“自私”的标签。这种环境阻碍了个体化进程，使人沦为“工具人”或“角色机器”，而非真正的精神个体。

精神未成年的后果显而易见：情感依赖与自我界限模糊。许多人长期依附于亲密关系或社交圈，无法设立清晰边界，也难以承担失败与责任。遇到挫折时，习惯归咎于社会、父母或命运，而非反思与修复。他们活在“别人怎么看”的焦虑中，内心无法真正安稳；一方面渴望自由，另一方面又恐惧独立承担后果，导致持续性的内心撕裂。

如何走向精神成年？首先要停止讨好，勇敢做出自己的选择——你不是为父母、社会或网络观众而活。其次，要与权威“断奶”，不是反对权威，而是与之平等相处，不再依赖其认可来定义自我。建立边界感同样关键，明确哪些是自己的事，哪些是别人的事，学会拒绝操控与情绪勒索。最后，练习承担而非逃避，即使决策错误，也视其为人生练习而非末日。

精神未成年的文化根源之一，在于语言与情绪发育的失衡。汉语体系高度功利化、外向化，语言功能多用于维系秩序、遵守规范、获取认可，而非表达内在情绪或探索自我。情绪表达常被导向“忍耐”或“否定”，导致个体无法借由语言理解感受，精神世界长期模糊不清。在这样的语境中，表达自我被视为“无用”甚至“麻烦”，导致无数人精神发育中断，成年后仍无法与自己对话。

此外，中国的关系型社会导致自我与他人边界模糊。个体身份、价值与选择权几乎完全嵌套在人际关系中。从“为你好”的家庭教育，到“照办就行”的职场逻辑，内化的核心讯息是：你不是独立个体，而是系统的一部分。结果便是自我边界模糊，容易内疚、委屈，却难以言说何处不对。精神成熟的标志之一，正是建立清晰的心理边界，知道“我是谁”“我能接受什么”“我不能接受什么”。

所谓精神未成年，并非我们不聪明或天生幼稚，而是文化系统从未给予我们真正长大的机会。它抹杀个体、压制情绪、剥夺思辨、混淆边界，不鼓励人成为自己，只希望人成为“乖的、听话的、有用的”。许多人不是不愿长大，而是不会、不能甚至不敢长大。因为精神独立意味着脱离关系逻辑，成为“麻烦的人”“不好控制的人”“让体系不安的人”。然而，社会恰恰需要更多这样的“麻烦的人”。只有他们才能从文化的婴儿房中逃出，重新学习如何在精神上真正长大——而这，正是最艰难也最有价值的事。